Honorable Mistris in the waine of my little wit, I am forst to desire your protection, else euery Ballad-singer will proclaime me bankrupt of honesty. A sort of mad fellows seeing me merrily dispos'd in a Morrice, haue so bepainted mee in print since my gambols began from London to Norwich, that (hauing but an ill face before) I shall appeare to the world without a face, if your fayre hand wipe not away their foule colours. One hath written Kemps farewell to the tune of Kery, mery Buffe: another His desperate daungers in his late trauaile: the third his entertainement to New-Market; which towne I came neuer neere by the length of halfe the heath. Some sweare in a Trenchmore I haue trode a good way to winne the world: others that guesse righter, affirme, I haue without good help daunst myselfe out of the world: many say things thatwere neuer thought, But in a word your poor seruant offers the truth of his progresse and profit to your honorable uiew, receiue it I beseech you, such as it is, rude and plaine, for I know your pure iudgement, lookes as soone to see beauty in a Blackamoore, or heare smooth speech from a Stammerer, as to finde anyting but blunt mirth in a Morrice dauncer, especially such a one as Will Kemp , that hath spent his life in mad iigges and merry iestes. Three reasons mooue me to make a publik this iourney, one to reproue lying fooles I neuer knew: the other to co[m]mend louing friends, which by the way I daily found: the third to shew my duety to your honorable selfe, whose fauours (among other bountifull friends) makes me (dispight of this sad world) iudge my hart Corke, and my heeles feathers, so that me thinkes I could flye to Rome (at least hop to Rome, as the olde Prouerb is) with a morter on my head. In which light conceit I lowly begge pardon and leaue, for my Tabrer strikes his huntsup, I must to Norvvich: Imagine Noble Mistris, I am now setting from Lord Mayors, the houre about seauen, the morning gloomy, the company many, my hart merry.
Your worthy Ladiships most
vnworthy seruant,
William Kemp
The first mundaye in Lent, the close morning promising a cleere day, (attended on by Thomas Slye my Taberer, William Bee my seruant and George Sprat, appointed for my ouerseer, that I should take no other ease but my prescribed order) my selfe, thats I, otherwise called Caualiero Kemp, head-master of Morrice-dauncers, high Head-borough of heighs, and onely tricker of your Trill-lilles, and best bel-shangles betweene Sion and mount Surrey [Marginal note in the original text: Sion neere Brainford, and Mount Surrey by Norwich.] began frolickly to foote it, from the right honorable the Lord Mayors of London, towards the right worshipfull (and truly bountifull) Master Mayors of Norwich.
My setting forward was somewhat before seauen in the morning; my Taberer stroke up merrily; and as fast as kinde peoples thronging together would giue me leaue, thorow London I leapt. By the way many good olde people and diuers others of yonger yeeres, of meere kindness, gaue me bowd sixpences and grotes, blessing me with their harty prayers and God-speedes.
Being past White-chappell, and hauing left faire London, with all that North-east Suburb before named, multitudes of Londoners left not me: but eyther to keepe a custome which many holde, that Mile-end is no walke without a recreatio[n] at Stratford Bow with Creame and Cakes, or else for loue they beare toward me, or perhappes to make themselues merry, if I should chance (as many thought) to giue ouer my Morrice within a Mile of Mile-end. How euer, many a thousand brought me to Bow; where I rested a while from dancing, but had small rest with those that would haue urg'd me to drinking. But, I warrant you, Will Kemp was wise enough: to their ful cups, kinde thanks was my returne, with Gentlemanlike protestations: as, "Truely sir, I dare not," "it stands not with the congruity of my health." Congruitie said I? how came that strange language in my mouth? I thinke scarcely that it is any Christen worde, and yet it may be a good worde for ought I knowe, though I neuer made it, nor doe uerye well understand it; yet I am sure I haue bought it at the word-mongers at as deare a rate as I could haue had a whole 100. of Bauines at the wood-mongers. Farewell, Congruitie, for I meane now to be more concise, and stand upon eeuener bases: but I must neither stand nor sit, the Tabrer strikes alarum. Tickle it good Tom, Ile follow thee. Farewell Bowe; haue ouer the Bridge, where I once heard say honest Conscience was once drownd: Its pittye if it were so; but thats no matter belonging to our Morrice, lets now along to Stratford Langton.
Many good fellows being there met, and knowing how well I loued the sporte, had prepared a Beare-bayting; but so unreasonable were the multitudes of people, that I could only heare the Beare roare, and the dogges howle: therefore forward I went with my hey-de-gaies to Ilford, where I againe rested, and was by the people of the towne and countrey there-about, uery uery wel welcomed: being offered carowses in the great spoon, [Marginal note in the original text: a great spoone in Ilford holding aboue a quart] one whole draught being able at that time to haue drawne my little wit drye: but being afrayde of the olde Prouerbe (He had need of a long spoone that eates with the deuill) I soberly gaue my boone Companyons the slip.
From Ilford, by Moone-shine, I set forward, dauncing within a quarter of a myle of Romford: wherein the highway, two strong Iades (hauing belike some great quarell to me unknowne) were beating and byting either of other; and such through Gods help was my good hap, that I escaped their hoofes, both being raysed with their fore feete ouer my head, like two Smithes ouer an Anuyle.
There being the end of my first dayes Morrice, a kinde Gentleman of London lighting from his horse, would haue no nay but I should leap into his saddle. To be plain with ye, I was not proud, but kindly tooke his kilndlyer offer, chiefely thereto urg'd by my weariness; so I rid to my Inne at Romford.
In that towne, to giue rest to my well labour'd limbes, I continued two dayes, being much beholding to the townsmen for their loue, but more to the Londoners, that came hourely thither in great numbers to uisite me, offring much more kindness then I was willing to accept.
The multitudes were se great at my comming to Burntwood, that I had much a doe (though I made many intreaties and staies) to get passage to my Inne.
In this towne two Cut-purses were taken, that with other two of their companions followed mee from London (as many better disposed persons did): but these two dy-doppers gaue out when they were apprehended, that they had laid wagers and betted about my iourney, whereupon the Officers bringing them to my Inne, I iustly denyed their acquaintance, sauing that I remembred one of them to be a noted Cut-purse, such a one as we tye to a poast on our stage, for all people to wonder at, when at a play they are taken pilfring.
This fellow his half brother being found with the deed, were sent to Iayle: their other two consorts had the charity of the towne, and after a dance of Trenchmore at the whipping crosse, they were sent back to London; where I am afraid there are too many of their occupation. To bee short, I thought my selfe well rid of foure such followers, and I wish hartily that the whole world were cleer of such companions.
Hauing rested well at Burntwood, the Moone shining clearely, and the weather being calme, in the euening I tript it to Ingerstone, stealing away from those numbers of people that followed mee; yet doe I what I could, I had about fiftie in the company, some of London, the other of the Country thereabout, that would needs, when they heard my Taber, trudge after me through thicke and thin.
So much a doe I had to passe by the people at Chelmsford, that it was more than an houre ere I could recouer my Inne gate, where I was faine to lacke myselfe in my Chamber, and pacifie them with wordes out of a window insteed of deeds: to deale plainely, I was so weary, that I could dance no more.
The next morning I footed it three myle of my way toward Braintree, but returned backe againe to Chelmsford, where I lay that Satterday and the next Sunday. The good cheere and kinde welcome I had at Chelmsford was much more than I was willing to entertaine; for my onely desire was to refraine drinke and be temperate in my dyet.
At Chelmsford a Mayde not passing foureteene yeares of age, dwelling with one Sudley, my kinde friend, made request to her Master and Dame, that she might daunce the Morrice with me in a great large roome. They being intreated, I was soone wonne to fit her with bels; besides she would haue the olde fashion with napkins on her armes; and to our iumps we fell. A whole houre she held out; but then being ready to lye downe I left her off; but thus much in her praise, I would haue challenged the strongest man in Chelmsford, and amongst many I thinke few would haue done so much.
With hey and ho, through thicke and thin,
the hobby horse quite forgotten,
I follow'd, as I did begin,
although the way were rotten.
This foule way I could finde no ease in, thicke woods being on eyther side the lane: the lane likewise being full of deep holes, sometimes I skipt up to the waste: but it is an old Prouerb that it is a little comfort to the miserable to haue companions, and amidst this miry way, I had some mirth by an unlookt for accident.
It was the custome of honest Country fellows my unknowne friends, upon hearing of my Pype (which might well be heard in a still morning or euening a myle), to get up and beare mee company a little way. In this foule way two pretty plaine youthes watcht me, and with their kindnes somewhat hindred me. One, a fine light fellow, would be still before me, the other euer at my heeles. At length, comming to a broad plash of water and mud, which could not be auoyded, I fetcht a rise, yet fell in ouer the anckles at the further end. My youth that follow'd me, tooke his iump, and stuck fast in the midst, crying out to his companion, "Come George, call yee this dauncing? Ile goe no further," for indeede hee could goe no further, till his fellow was faine to wade and help him out. I could not chuse but lough to see howe like two frogges they laboured: a hartye farwell I gaue them, and they faintly bad God speed me, saying if I daunst that durtie way this seauen yeares againe, they would neuer daunce after me.
Well, with much a doo I got unto Braintree by noone, tarried there Munday night and the next day: onely I daunst three miles on Tewsday, to ease my Wednesdaies iourney.
If I should deny that I was welcome at Braintree, I should slander an honest crew of kind men, among whome I far'd well, slept well, and was euery way well usde.
In this towne of Sudbury, there came a lusty tall fellow, a butcher by his profession, that would in a Morrice keepe mee company to Bury: I being glad of his friendly offer, gaue him thankes, and forward wee did set: but ere euer wee had measur'd halfe a mile of our way, he gaue me ouer in the plain field, protesting, that if he might get a 100. pound, he would not hold out with me, for indeed my pace in dauncing is not ordinary.
As he and I were parting, a lusty Country lasse being among the people, cal'd him faint hearted lout saying, "If I had begun to daunce, I would haue held out one myle though it had cost my life." At which wordes many laughed. "Nay" saith she, "if the Dauncer will lend me a leash of his belles, Ile uenter to treade one mile with him my selfe." I lookt upon her, saw mirth in her eies, heard boldnes in her words, and beheld her ready to tucke up her russet petticoate; I fitted her with bels, which [s]he merrily taking, garisht her thicke short legs, and with a smooth brow bad the Tabrer begin. The Drum strucke, forward marcht I with my merry Maydemarian, who shooke her fat sides, and footed it merrily to Melfoord, being a long myle. There parting with her, I gaue her (besides her skinfull of drinke) and English crowne to buy more drinke; for, good wench, she was in a pittious heate: my kindnes she requited with dropping some dozen of short courtsies, and bidding God blesse the Dauncer. I bad her adieu; and to giue her her due, she had a good eare, daunst truely, and wee parted friendly. But ere I part with her, a good fellow, my friend, hauin writ an odde Rime of her, I will make bolde to set it downe.
A Country Lasse browne as a berry,
Blith of blee, in heart as merry,
Cheekes well fed, and sides well larded,
Euery bone with fat tlesh guarded,
Meeting merry Kemp by chaunce,
Was Marrian in his Morrice daunce.
Her stump legs with bels were garnisht,
Her browne browes with sweating uarnish[t];
Her browne hips, when she was lag,
To win her ground, went swig a swag;
Which to see all that came after
Were repleate with mirthfull laughter.
Yet she thumpt it on her way
With a sportly hey de gay;
At a mile her daunce she ended,
Kindly paide and well commended.
At Melford, diuers Gentlemen met mee, who brought me to one Master Colts, a uery kinde and worshipfull Gentleman, where I had unexpected entertainment till the Satterday. From whose house hauing hope somewhat to amend my way to Bury, I determined to goe by Clare, but I found it to be both farther and fouler.
Passing from Clare towards Bury, I was inuited to the house of a uery bountiful widdow, whose husband during his life was a Yeoman of that Countrie, dying rich no doubt, as might well appeare, by the riches and plentie, that abounded in euery corner of the house. She is called the Widdow Eueret.
At her house were met aboue thirty Gentlemen. Such, and so plentifull uariety of good fare, I haue uery sildome seene in any Commoners house. Her behauiour being uery modest and freendly, argued her bringing up not to be rude. She was a woman of good presence; and if a foole may iudge, of no small discretion.
From this widdowes I daunst to Bury, comming in on the Satterday in the afternoone, at what time the right Honorable, the Lord Chiefe Iustice entred at an other gate of the towne, the wondring and regardles multitude making his honor cleere way, left the streetes where he past to gape at me; the throng of them being so great, that poore Will Kemp was seauen times stayed ere hee could recouer his Inne. By reason of the great snow that then fell, I stayd at Bury from Satterday in the second week of my setting foorth, til Thursday night the next weeke following.
At my entrance into Thetford, the people came in great numbers to see mee; for there were many there, being Size time. The noble Gentleman, Sir Edwin Rich, gaue me entertainment in such bountifull and liberal sort, during my continuance there Satterday and Sunday, that I want fitte words to expresse the least part of his worthy usage of my unworthines; and to conclude liberally as hee had begun and continued, at my departure on Munday, his worship gaue me fiue pound.
"O Kemp deere Master Kemp: you are euen as welcome as-- as--," and so stammering he began to study for a fit comparison, and, I thanke him, at last he fitted me; for saith he, "thou art euen as welcome, as the Queenes best grey-hound." After this dogged yet well-meaning salutation, the Carrowses were called in; and my friendly Hoast of Rockland began withall this, blessing the houre uppon his knees, that any of the Queenes Maiesties, well-willers or friends would vouchsafe to come within his house; as if neuer had any such had been within his doores before.
I tooke his good meaning, and gaue him great thankes for his kindnesse; and hauing rested mee well, began to take my course for Hingham, whether my honest hoast of Rockland would needs be my guide: but, good true fat-belly, he had not followed mee two fieldes, but he lyes all along, and cryes after me to come backe and speake with him. I fulfild his request: and comming to him, "Dauncer," quoth hee "if thou daunce a Gods name God speede thee! I cannot follow thee a foote farther; but adieu good dauncer; God speed thee if thou daunce a Gods name!" I, hauing haste of my way, and he being able to keep no way, there wee parted. Farewell he: he was a kinde good fellow, a true Troyan; and it euer be my lucke to meete him at more leasure, Ile make him full amendes with a Cup full of Canarie, But nowe I am a little better aduis'd, wee must not thus let my madde Hoast passe; for my friend late mentioned before, that made the odde rime on my Maide-marian, would needes remember my Hoast. Such as it is Ile bluntly set downe.
He was a man not ouer spare:
In his eybals dwelt no care.
"Anon, anon" and "Welcome friend,"
Were the most wordes he Vsde to spend,
Saue sometime he would sit and tell;
What wonders once in Bullayne fell;
Closing each period of his tale
With a full cup of Nut-browne Ale.
Turwin and Turneys siedge were hot,
Yet all my Hoast remembers not:
Kets field and Muscleborough fray,
Were battles fought but yesterday.
"O 'twas a goodly matter then,
To see your sword and buckler men!
They would lye heere, and here, and there, But I would meet them euerywhere:
And now a man is but a pricke,
A boy arm'd with a poating sticke,
Will dare to challenge Cutting Dicke.
O 'tis a world the world to see!
But twill not mend for thee nor mee.
By this some guest cryes "Ho the house!"
A fresh friend hath a fresh carouse:
Still he will drinke, and still be dry,
And quaffe with euery company.
Saint Martin send him merry mates,
To enter at his hostree gates!
For a blither lad than he
Cannot an Inkeeper be.
Well once againe farewell mine Hoast at Rockland. After al these farewels I am sure to Hingham I found a foule way, as before I had done from Thetford to Rockland.
Yet besides the deep way I was much hindred by the desire people had to see me. For euen as our Shop-keepers will hayle, and pull a man with "Lack ye? what do you lack Gentlemen?" "My ware is best" cryes one "Mine best in England," sayes an other, "Heere shall you haue choyse," saith the third: so was the dyuers voyces of the young men and Maydens, which I should meete at euerie myles ende, thronging by twentie, and sometime fortie, yea hundreths in a companie; One crying "The fayrest way was thorow their Village," another, "This is the nearest and fayrest way, when you haue past but a myle and a halfe;" an other sort crie, "Turne on the left hand;" some "on the right hand;" that I was so amazed, I knewe not sometime which way I might best take; but haphazard, the people still accompanying me; wherewith I was much comforted, though the wayes were badde; but as I said before at last I ouertooke it.
From Barford bridge I daunst to Norwich; but comming within sight of the Citty, perceiuing so great a multitude and throng of people still crowding more and more about me, mistrusting it would be a let to my determined expedition, and pleasurable humour; which I long before conceiued to delight this Citty with (so far, as my best skill, and industry of my long trauelled sinewes could affoord them) I was aduised, and so tooke ease by that aduise, to stay my Morrice a little aboue Saint Giles his gate, where I tooke my gelding, and so rid into the Citty, procrastinating my merry Morrice daunce through the Citty till better opportunitie.
Being come into the Citty: Master Roger Wiler the Maior, and sundry other of his worshipfull Brethren sent for me; who perceiueing howe I intended to daunce into the Cittye that nyght; and being well satisfied with the reasons, they allotted me time enough not to daunce in till Satterday after; to the end that diuers knights and Gentlemen, together with their wiues and Children (who had beene many dayes before deceyued with expectation of my comming); might nowe haue sufficient warning accordingly by Satterday following.
In the meane space, and during my still continuance in the Cittye afterwards, they not onely uery courteously offered to beare mine owne charges and my followers, but uery bountifully performed it at the common charges: the Mayor and many of the Aldermen often times besides inuited vs priuately to theyr seuerall houses.
To make a short end of this tedious description of my entertainment; Satterday no sooner came, but I returned without the Citty through Saint Giles his gate; and beganne my Morrice where I left at that gate, but I entred in at Saint Stephens gate, where one Thomas Gilbert in name of all the rest of the Cittizens gaue me a friendly and exceeding kind welcome; I haue no reason to omit, vnlesse I would condemne my selfe of ingratitude, partlye for the priuate affection of the writer towardes me: as also for the generall loue and fauour I found in them, from the highest to the lowest, the richest as the poorest. It followes in these few lynes.
Master Kemp his welcome to Norwich.With hart, and hand, among the rest,
Especially you welcome are:
Long looked for as welcome guest,
Come now at last you be from farre.
Of most within the Citty, sure,
Many good wishes you haue had;
Each one did pray you might indure,
With courage good the match you made.
Intend they did with gladsome hearts,
Like your well willers, you to meete:
Know you also they'l doe their parts,
Eyther in field or house to greete
More you then any with you came,
Procur'd thereto with trump and fame.
your well-willer,T.G.
Passing the gate, Wifflers (such Officers as were appointed by the Mayor) to make me way through the throng of the people, which prest so mightily vpon me: with great labour I got thorow that narrow preaze into the open market place; vhere on the crosse, ready prepared, stood the Citty Waytes, which not a little refreshed my weariness with toyling thorow so narrow a lane, as the people left me: such Waytes (under Benedicite be it spoken) fewe Citties in our Realme haue the like, none better; who besides their excellency in wind instruments, their rare cunning on the Vyoll, and Violin: theyr uoices be admirable, euerie one of th[e] able to serue in any Cathedrall Church in Christendoome for Quiristers.
Passing by the Market place, the presse still increasing by the number of boyes, girles, men and women, thronging more and more before me to see the end; it was the mischaunce of a homely maide, that belike, was but newly crept into the fashion of long wasted peticotes tyde with points, and had, as it seemed but one point tyed before, and comming vnluckily in my way, as I was fetching a leape, it fell out that I set my foote on her skirts: the point eyther breaking or stretching, off fell her peticote from her waste, but as chance was, thogh hir smock were course, it was cleanely; yet the poore wench was so ashamed, the rather for that she could hardly recouer her coate againe from vnruly boies, that looking before like one that had the greene sicknesse, now had she her cheekes all coloured with scarlet. I was sorry for her, but on I went towards the Maiors, and deceiued the people, by leaping ouer the Church-yard wall at S. Iohns, getting so into M. Mayors gates a neerer way; but at last I found it the further way about: being forced on the Tewsday following to renew my former daunce, because George Sprat my ouer-seer, hauing lost me in the throng, would not be deposed that I had daunst it, since he saw me not; and I must confesse I did not wel, for the CIttizens had caused all the turne-pikes to be taken up on Satterday, that I might not bee hindred. But now I returne againe to my Iump, the measure of which is to be seene in the Guild-hall at Norwich, where my buskins, that I then wore, and daunst in from London thither, stand equally deuided, nailde on the wall. The plenty of good cheere at the Mayors, his bounty, and kinde vsage, together with the General welcomes of his worshipful brethren, and many other knights, Ladies, Gentlemen, and Gentlewomen, so much exceeded my expectation, as I adiudg'd my selfe most bound to them all. The Maior gaue me fiue pound in Elizabeth angels; which Maior (faire Madame, to whom I too presumptiously dedicate my idle paces) as a man worthy of a singuler and impartiall admiration, if our criticke humorous mindes could as prodigally conceiue as he deserues, for his chast life, liberality, tempreance in possessing worldly benefits. He liues unmarried and childlesse; neuer purchased house nor land, the house he dwels in this yeere, being but hyred: he liues vpon marchandies, being a Marchant uenturer. If our marchants and Gentlemen wold take example by this man, Gentlemen would not sell their lands, to become bankrout Marchants, nor Marchants liue in the possessions of youth-beguiled gentlemen: who cast themselues out of their parents heritages for a few out-cast commodities. But wit whither wilt thou? What hath Morrice tripping Will to do with that? It keeps not time wt [with] his dance; therefore roome you morral precepts, giue my legs leaue to end my Morrice, or, that being ended, my hands leaue to perfect this worthlesse poore tottered uolume.
Pardon me Madame, that I am thus tedious, I cannot chuse but co[m]mend sacred liberality, which makes poore wretches partakers of all comfortable benefits, besides the loue and fauour already repeated, M. Weild the mayor gaue me 40.s. yeerely during my life, making me a free man of the marchant uenturers, this is the substance of al my iourney; therefore let no man beleeue how euer before by lying ballets and rumours they haue bin abus'd: y[e]t either waies were laid open for me, or that I deliuered gifts to her Maiesty. Its good being merry my masters, but in a meane, and al my mirths, (meane though they be) haue bin and euer shal be imploi'd to the delight of my royal Mistris; whose sacred name ought not to be reme[m]bred among such ribald rimes as these late thinbreecht lying Balletsingers haue proclaimed it.
It resteth now that in a word I shew, what profit I haue made by my Morrice. True it is I put out some money to haue threefold gaine at my returne, some that loue me, regard my paines, and respect their promise, haue sent home the treble worth; some other at the first sight haue paide me, if I come to seek the[m], others I cannot see, nor wil they willingly be found, and these are the greater number. If they had al usd me wel, or al ill, I would haue boldly set downe the true sum of my smal gain or losse; but I wil haue patience, some few daies lo[n]ger. At ye end of which time, if any be behinde, I wil draw a cattalogue of al their names I uentur'd with; those y[e]t haue shewne th[m]mselues honest men, I wil set before them this Caracter, H. for honesty; before the other Bench-whistlers shal stand K. for Ketlers and keistrels, that wil driue a good companion without need in them to contend for his owne; but I hope I shall haue no such neede. If I haue, your Honorable protection shall thus far defend your poore seruant, that he may, being a plain man, call a spade a spade. Thus fearing your Ladyship is wearier with reading this toy then I was in all my merry trauaile, I craue pardon; and conclude this first pamphlet that euer Will Kemp offred to the Presse, being thereunto prest on the one side by the pittifull papers, pasted on euery poast, of that which was neither so nor so, and in the other side vrg'd thereto in duety to expresse with thankefulnes the kind entertainment I found.
Your honors poore seruant,
W.K.
To the tune of Thomas Delonies Epitaph
My notable Shakerags, the effect of my sute is discouered in the Title of my supplication; but for your better understandings, for that Iknow you to be a sort of witles beetle-heads, that can understand nothing, but what is knockt into your scalpes, These are by these presentes to certifies vnto your block-headships, that I, William Kemp, whom you had neer hand rent in sunder with your vnreasonable rimes, am shortly God willing, to set forward as merily as I may; whether I my selfe know not. Wherefore, by the way, I would wish ye, imploy not your little wits in certifying the world that I am gone to Rome, Ierusalem, Uenice, or any other place at your idle appoint. I knowe the best of ye, by the lyes ye writ of me, got not the price of a good hat to couer your brainless heads: If any of ye had come to me, my bounty should haue exceeded the best of your good masters the Ballad-buiers, I wold haue apparrelled your dry pates in party coloured bonnets, and bestowed a leash of my cast belles to haue crown'd ye with cox-combs. I haue made a priuie search, what priuate Iigmonger of your iolly number, hath been the Author of these abhominable ballets written of me. I was told it was the great ballet-maker T.D., alias Tho. Deloney, Chronicler of the memorable liues of the 6. yeomen of the west, Iack of Newbery, the Gentle-craft, such like honest me[n]: omitted by Stow, Hollinshead, Grafto[n], Hal, froysart, and the rest of those wel deseruing writers; but I was giuen since to understand, your late generall Tho. dyd poorely, as ye all must do, and was honestly buried; which is much to be doubted of some of you. The quest of inquiry finding him by death acquited of the Inditement, I was let to wit, y[e]t another Lord of litle wit, one whose imployment for the Pageant was vtterly spent, he being knowne to be Eldertons immediate heyre, was vehemently suspected: but after due inquisition was made, he was at that time knowne to liue like a man in a mist, hauing quite giuen ouer the mistery. Still the search continuing, I met a proper upright youth, onely for a little stooping in the shoulders, all hart to the heele, a penny Poet, whose first making was the miserable stolne story of Macdoel, or Macdobeth, or Macsomewhat; for I am sure a Mac it was, though I neuer had the maw to see it; and hee tolde me there was a fat filthy ballet-maker, that should haue once been his Iourneyman to the trade, who liu'd about the towne, and ten to one, but he had thus terribly abused me and my Taberer: for that he was able to do such a thing in print. A shrewd presumption! I found him about the bankside, sitting at a play; I desired to speake with him, had him to a Tauerne, charg'd a pipe with Tobacco, and then laid this terrible accusation to his charge. He swels presently like one og the foure windes, the uiolence of his breath, blew the Tobacco out of the pipe, the heate of his wrath drunke dry two bowlfuls of Rhenish wine. At length hauing power to speake, "Name my accuser," saith he, "or I defye thee, Kemp, at the quart staffe." I told him; and all his anger turned to laughter: swearing it did him good to haue ill words of a hoddy doddy, a habber de hoy, a chicken, a squib, a squall, one that hath not wit enough to make a ballet, that, by Pol and Aedipol, would Pol his father, Derick his dad: doe anie thing, how ill so euer, to please his apish humor. I hardly beleeued, this youth that I tooke to be gracious, had bin so graceless; but I heard afterwards his mother in law was eye and eare witness of his fathers abuse by this blessed childe on a publique stage, in a merry Hoast of an Innes part. Yet all this while could not I finde out the true ballet-maker, till buy chaunce a friend of mine puld out of his packet a booke in Latine, called Mundus Furiosus printed at Cullen, written by one of the uildest and arrantest lying Cullians that euer writ booke, his name Iansonius, who, taking upon him to write an abstract of all the turbulent actions that had beene lately attempted or performed in Christendome, like an unchristian wretch, writes onely by report, partially, and scoffingly of such whose pages showes hee was unworthy to wipe, far indeed he is now dead: farewell he! euery dog must haue day. But see the luck on't: this beggerly lying busie-bodies name brought out the Ballad-maker, and, it was generally confirmed, it was his kinsman: he confesses himselfe guilty, let and man look on his face; if there be not so redde a colour that all the sope in the towne will not washe white, let me be turned to a Whiting as I passe betweene Douer and Callis. Well, God forgiue thee honest fellow, I see thou hast grace in thee; I prethee do so no more, ceace writing these beastly ballets, make not good wenches Prophetesses, for little or no profit, nor for a sixe-penny matter, reuiue not a poore fellowes fault thats hanged for his offence; it may be thy owne destiny one day; prethee be good to them. Call vp thy olde Melpomene, whose straubery quill may write the bloody lines of the blew Lady, and the Prince of the burning crowne; a better subiect I can tell ye: than your Knight of the Red Crosse. So farewel, and crosse me no more, I prethee, with thy rabble of bald rimes, least at my returne I set a crosse on thy forehead that all men may know thee for a foole.